A scene from my first feature script

As some of you may know I have been writing my first featre length script. It's taken me a while because I've been using this as my training ground learning feature length story telling from the ground up. I just finished a rewrite which developed the B-story more than before and I've decided to share a part of the script with you. Your comments are welcome.


INT. RICKETY SHACK
Rays of light poke through the broken wall boards. Elaine fixates on a mirror propped up in front of her as it flashes images from her life.

Images of security escorting her out the door of her place of work; her holding an eviction notice; her holding a positive pregnancy test; someone slamming a door in her face; and someone tossing a glass of wine on her.

Elaine cries out in frustration hitting the mirror causing it to crack. A piece falls to the floor. She collapses to the floor also.

The demon Rayann with deep black eyes appears unnoticed and kneels behind Elaine.

RAYANN
        How can you even think of caring for a child?       

ELAINE
I can’t even take care of myself.                   

RAYANN
He doesn’t love you.                                     

ELAINE
Why doesn’t he love me?                            

RAYANN
You don’t even have a job.                         

ELAINE
I’m worthless.                                           

RAYANN
You can’t handle this.                                 

ELAINE
                There’s no way out. No way to make things better.    

Elaine picks up the piece of broken glass.

EXT. RICKETY SHACK - CONTINUOUS
Zita walks up, looks around then steps inside.

INT. RICKETY SHACK - CONTINUOUS
Zita steps up behind Rayann and see’s Elaine contemplating using the broken piece of glass.

ZITA
(whispers)
                       Cool this is one of my favorite parts of torment.             

Rayann turns to see Zita.

RAYANN
(whispers)
                            It gets better than this. They always think this will             
stop the pain and hurt.                             

ZITA
(whispers)
               But in reality this seals the deal that this particular
           torment will continue to haunt them for eternity.

Rayann stands up turning her back to Elaine.

RAYANN
Exactly.                                                   

ZITA
       I’m looking for a woman named Bailey who's
         travelling with a man named Victor. Have they
been by this way?                                    

RAYANN
       Not that I’ve seen but a while back I did hear
                   faint screaming from somewhere in the distance.       

ZITA
           If, perchance, they do come your way notify me
            immediately. The Prince really wants her.           

RAYANN
      Immediately. Sure. Is this a case of her being
               close to discovering love?                                       

ZITA
                 We don’t know yet if the guy is filled with the light.  
                      But you know what the Prince will do to me if she does.

RAYANN
                         We don’t want that. I’ll definitely let you know if I see her.

As Zita exits, Rayann kneels down behind Elaine once again.

RAYANN (CONT’D)
(to Elaine)
                   That’s right. You can do this. This will make everything
better.